The story of Tevino Dalvak

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Squizzel
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The story of Tevino Dalvak

Postby Squizzel » 21 Jan 2011, 03:18

Ok, so some people might have already read this first part, but just so it's all together, here it is again~

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Act I: Vampires?

Bernard Senior, in Obliteration, tracked down a Lone Vampire (LV for short) that had escaped New Hammerston. The LV, fleeing for his life, met up with the group of vampires that was now watching the radio station. After hearing the news the LV said, the group hide, not wanting to meet the same fate. Bernard Senior was lucky enough to meet Kiro's grandfather (know as Gramps to everyone) and Alice, Kiros sister before actully getting to the station. Bernard hide Obliteration in a nearby building, knowing that the vampires wouldn't come out of hidding if they Knew he was still around. Taking up a new ID, Bernard (or as everyone called him dew to his new ID, Mike) slowly prepaired the coleny.

By chance, the LV was captured by Alice, Kiro and Roger (Roger being one of the Radio stations cleaners). Dragging the now paraniode vampire into the station, they interrageted him, and toke DNA samples for two days. Just before the third day's break, the coleny dragged the the LV to the roof, where they strapped it to a metal pole, and watched as it burnt in the rays of day. The Vampires in the area became enraged, attacking the next night.

This was there fatail mistake. The people were ready for them, attacking them from there hidding places as they disended on the radio station. But worse, to the Vampires horror, Obliteration stepped out of a back ally, litrally obliterating the vampires. After 2 hours, only 4 (5, if you Gary was around) vampires remained from the area. One was in captured, and put onto the metal beam like his brother. The second wasn't close enough to the colony to actully get to the fighting before his brothers and sisterswere attacked. She now spends her days with the dreaded crys as they died haunting her. The third and fouth were... dead by morning.

Anyway, Obliteration fled before anyone could really thank him or remember what he looked like. Alice and Kiro were in a back street checking it was clear when he came across them. Alice thanked him on behalf of the coleny, as well as Kiro, saying that they had won a great battle. But someone was watching them... A blood thirsty Vampire jumped the three, throwing paint over Obliteration's head and blinding him. Alice, having the quickets reactions, shot the vampire with a quick burst from her assult rifle, but the vampire was too mad to care. He slashed off Alice's hand and part of the gun, reading to finish Obliteration off. Even as he raised the meat clever, Kiro threw his fire axe into the back of the Vampire, stunning it for a moment. That moment was Just enough time for Obliteration to find a sensor setting that wasn't effected by the paint, and fire his lazer threw the Vampires head.

With the vampire dead, Bernard worked quickly on Alice. He quickly stopped the bleeding, and, over the next week or so, made a robotic hand for her. As well as this, he made two suits, simalar to Stinger and Sentinel for the brother and sister, telling them who he really was and that if they were to ever meet his two own children, the story of what he did in Tevino Dalvak.
Last edited by Squizzel on 21 Jan 2011, 05:03, edited 1 time in total.
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Squizzel
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Re: The story of Tevino Dalvak

Postby Squizzel » 21 Jan 2011, 05:01

Act II: The Fourth Vampire

It was 5 hours after the first Vampire had set foot in Tevino Dalvak, or Radar as it was known back then (someone with a bad accent, and the fact that the place had the radio tower). To the north-west of the station, Gramps, with two other people were patrolling the streets. The fighting had drawn zombies closer than everyone wanted, so teams were going around cleaning this problem up, as well as checking for the last three Vampires that were suppost to be around.

The patroll pasted a young girl, about the same age as Alice, spary-painting the wall. It read "Undead beware!", and the girl wasn't finished. Gramps smiled. He was the oldest person in Radar, but wasn't the sort to stick to the 'old fashioned' ways. The patroll walked down a street, and turned a corner, planning on rounding a block and heading back threw side and back streets.

Then they heard a scream. The three of them ran back around the corner to see the girl, dead, her head clean off her shoulders and blood pooling out the wound. A shadow stode over her, a glittering red and silver sword in its hand. It turned, red eyes ablaze with anger and madness. "Time to die..." It hissed.

Before any of them could aim, it charged. Gramps saw the blade pass threw the first guards chest as if it was smoke. The second guard managed to fire off a burst, missing, and lost her arms, and head straight after.

Gramps fired the home-made shotgun, which was more like a blunder bust. The sword span away, clatering on the road. But the noice was drowned out by a screech of pain from the shadow, and a wet thud from the guards hitting the ground. The Vampire back-handed Gramps across the face, lent in close and half hissed, half whispered "Bleed for me..."

* * *

Less than half a minuet later, Roger and two other guards, as well as a dog and some random girl with a video camera (who said that everything should be documented, incase the worst happened to Radar colleny and others came, learning from there mistakes) ran down the street. Roger blinked at what he saw.

The two guards rasied there pistols at the shadow over the human down the end of the road, and fired. The shadow's red eyes glowed at them for a moment, before dodging th bullets and speeding towards the group. Roger, knowing that you couldn't his something fast like that, closed his eyes, stuck a heroic pose with his flame thrower (basicly spray can + match + a frame) and pulled the trigger, sending a wall of fire infront of him and the group.

By sheer luck, the Vampire was actully hit by the fire. Screeching in pain, he charged threw the flames, pouncing on one of the guards and breaking there neck. Next, it kicked Rogers legs out, sending him sprawling. Riseing again, the dog bit down on his arm, but the Vampire punched it off.

* * *

The shadow looked around. He saw the girl with the camera against a wall, the colour drainded form her but she was still recording. It stepped forward, but gunshots caught his attention. The shadow turned to see the last standing guard running down the street, towards the the other patroll, fireing. Before the shadow could react, a shot hit it in the shoulder, making it stagger backwards. A second hit shot hit its hip, forcing it to one knee.

Mad, red eyes glowed at Mitch, as he tossed the pistol to one side. Mitch had been a historan acter and a sword fighter. Spinning around to face his target, he drew his short sword, and got into a fighting stance. The shadow charged at him, picking up a peice of twiced metal as it did. It was slower, but not slow enough.

Mitch barely managed to block the vampires first slash, but shoved it away. Then it started to get into a proper swordfight. There blades were a blur as they attacked and blocked, contered and parried. Mitch was hit in the face and fell back, onto his back. The shadows mouth twisted into a smile. "Bleed for me.." It hissed in its madness.

"Yo Bastard! Why don't you!" Came from behind the shadow. Mitch saw it spin around to face Roger, just before it toke a face full of flames and four shots to the chest. Its screeched and turned into ash, a few bits of metal clattering onto the road.

Roger dropped the pistol, slung the flamethrower over his back and walked over to Mitch, offering him a hand.
"Thanks.." Muttered Mitch.
"Don't mention it. Though you're writting the report this time." Roger said, helping Mitch up.

* * *

"Sorry Kiro, we couldn't find Gramps. We found blood, but no body..." Roger said to Kiro. The teen nodded sadly.
"Thanks..." Kiro muttered.
"Don't worry, we'll find him. He ment something to everyone in the colley, and I'm sure he'll be found."
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Re: The story of Tevino Dalvak

Postby Grant » 24 Jan 2011, 07:55

It's a good start, and it needs some polish. I think it's too sparse on the dialogue, for example "Then they heard a scream. The three of them ran back around the corner to see the girl, dead, her head clean off her shoulders and blood pooling out the wound." It'd be nice to hear their responses to something like this, or even "they were all speechless" if none of them actually had anything to say about it.

and the parentheses and the way you introduce new characters and places are a bit distracting. For example, "It was 5 hours after the first Vampire had set foot in Tevino Dalvak, or Radar as it was known back then (someone with a bad accent, and the fact that the place had the radio tower)." It's more effective to say something like "It was five hours after the first Vampire had set foot in Radar", and if the reader needs to know that one day the name changes to Tevino Dalvak, or that it has a radio tower, you can discuss it after telling us about what the Vampire does when he gets there. Too much info all at once disrupts the flow alot in this story.

But yeah, nice action scenes, feels pretty dark and gritty. Just needs some polish!
Last edited by Grant on 27 Jan 2011, 10:22, edited 1 time in total.
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Squizzel
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Re: The story of Tevino Dalvak

Postby Squizzel » 24 Jan 2011, 18:53

The old name is litrally only because I didn't want to confuse everyone, and alot of the time I work with little time, or doing something else, so sorry if it's abit off. I'll try harder next on the next chuck (which will be done in the next day or so)
And thanks ^^ I rarely get any feedback from my writting :D
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Re: The story of Tevino Dalvak

Postby Kevak » 26 Jan 2011, 07:22

spelling correction for grant: hours as in: two hours later the dog got tired of barking at the lawn gnome

not hourse
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Grant
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Re: The story of Tevino Dalvak

Postby Grant » 27 Jan 2011, 10:21

@ Squizzel, np dude, happy to give feedback

@ Lukesf, Yeah I noticed that like, 20 seconds after I submitted it. Wasn't sure howe to edit something that was already posted
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Re: The story of Tevino Dalvak

Postby Kevak » 27 Jan 2011, 11:48

if you look to the right of your post (to the left of your avatar and a a few other things), there is a quote button, look near that and there is the edit button
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Re: The story of Tevino Dalvak

Postby WindWhitestorm » 08 Jun 2011, 22:45

I realised my RP story is like FF. I should probable expand it into a real story :D
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Re: The story of Tevino Dalvak

Postby Happy Demon » 08 Jun 2011, 22:55

ARGH, see the date of the last post before replying to something this old, it's called grave digging what you're doing.
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Re: The story of Tevino Dalvak

Postby WindWhitestorm » 08 Jun 2011, 23:12

OKAY. Lol, Squiz may continue this, we ought to stay positive.
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